Why I'm Here

My first quizzes are rounding the corner, bringing a host of fears, fears of failure and shame and ineptitude. Along with them ride the other concerns or to quote Catullus, tristis curas, harsh cares. Exams, academic pressure, and late nights to come. I am currently a collegian at the Marshalsea, living in a so-called Snuggery. As much as I like to think of myself as an ancient prophet or hero-king, I have to admit, my cry is far too often, "Behold, here am I. Why, Lord?"

All such trying conditions do, I believe, beg the question. Why go so far away from home, to live off sometimes-decent food and homework. Why endure it all? I've heard many answers. It's for your future career. It's so you grow more independent as a person. It's because everyone needs higher education. And though each of those is true, they can be pretty unconvincing to a tired soul.

But what is most curious, most puzzling to me is that despite the aches I do feel, I'm happy. Every time I am in a class, my heart aches, but not with pain or sorrow. Tears well into my eyes. Why, I asked the Lord? What is it about this place that seems so wrong, and yet so right? And the Lord answered me with a word from Lewis.

Joy.

That feeling in the classes I take is joy. An inexpressible fulfillment and simultaneous desire, something that pulls you, literally, to the edge of your seat. It's impossible to describe; I can only say its effect on me, not what it really is. It makes my heart light, as if I'm being pulled up to God. I personally believe it's not an "as if". I think that every experience of Joy really is pulling me closer to God, contributing to my theosis.

And let me tell you, Joy is worth all the exams and heartaches this school can dish out.